One thing I’m working to stay true to in this blog and the post below is to be relevant to those who are walking through similar situations that I or my family is.
This specific post is more about how we’re walking through the right balance of technology in our children’s lives and how to best balance that.
Our situation isn’t unique. We have kids from 0 to 8 years old. The two oldest are in homeschool and (said intentionally dramatically) we don’t want to have Technology/TV/Phones be the IV that pacifies our children.
Easier said than done… as a precursor, in no way is the below meant to be critical towards anyone. That’s NOT my point here. My point is to be real with you all in how we’re walking through it and try to cultivate people learning. Raising kids is hard and I don’t know enough about your all’s situations to know what is right or wrong.
That said, sarcastically, I see this polarized view in my mind.
- Far left is “raised by tech“, parents are passive and just started handing devices to their child at 2 years old. Figuring they need to learn about infinite scroll sooner than later.
- On the far right is “raised by nature“, parents that say Tech is evil and that the only tech they need is how to live off the land and to learn which berries are safe to eat on their daily hikes at age 2.
I don’t know exactly where we sit… my optimistic hope is that it’s a little right of center but in a “healthy balanced way”. 😊
In any given week…
My older kids (8 and 6 currently) probably have close to 10 hours of TV/Tablet exposure a week.
- 1.5hrs on a tablet every other day
- Couple hours on a TV show or few throughout the week
- Family Movie night on the weekends
Sometimes more, sometimes less.
We try not to make it their default “Go to” to occupy themselves. They enjoy reading, playing outside, time with friends and such.
Is 10 hours too much? I don’t know… let’s ask a ChatBot
21 hours… OK… what’s the recommended then?
7 to 14 hours.
Got it.
So we’re “Good”…
/start rant
Based on the deep recommendation from a ChatBot… with an unverified source or reference… that I haven’t taken the time to click the link to verify the articles being referenced by said ChatBot weren’t, in fact, written by a 10 year old who figured out how to use ChatGPT to write and publish articles to said websites… I digress…
/end rant
I know, plain as day, that I have two very heavy biases on this topic.
First – Early accidental exposure to junk
Close to 25 years ago now, I was at a friend’s house, and we were trying to find a popular, at the time, pop stars website and what was an honest, simple, innocent typo ultimately landed us on an adult website. No warning, no pop-up, just immediate exposure to filth. I literally can still remember it to this day.
(another rant… I apologize… sort of...) -> I’m still learning about and chewing on the concept of “common grace”… but I’ll be honest – maybe there should be a “special” place in the afterlife for people who intentionally think “Hey… let’s swap this letter and buy this domain and then put filth on it” – all the while knowing that kids are out there and very likely can’t spell right and will stumble upon it. “But that’s the parent’s fault for not guarding them and letting them go there” … oh come on, give me a break… it’s both 😁
To add, a recent study by Common Sense Media shows that, in 2023 ~75% of pornography exposure is accidental. (link) #MyStory
Given my own experience, and that it doesn’t look like it gets any better, that puts a hitch in my step. Scares me quite a bit honestly. Not sure how to best compute that. I know that when it comes to technology, I lean toward slow exposure of devices, media, etc. for my children here.
Second – I love technology.
I’ve worked with tech for over 25 years now. Building computers, writing apps, leading teams, and working for technology companies. 40… 50… 60 hours a week I’m behind a screen of some sort working on various problems. Part of my personal mission statement in life is “be a positive influence in technological change”.
That said, I also sometimes think about my “technology* retirement” where I can turn off any computer/email/phone… permanently I dare say… and still navigate life and make an increasing impact for my generation. Some weekends I’ll completely turn off my phone. I’ve written about ways to reduce notifications too (link), which reduce my reliance on it.
*Notice how I didn’t blanketly say retirement there. I hope for a future where I can set aside tech (or the 40+hr aspect of it) but continue working in community, church, etc.
How are we going about it?
Acknowledging those two biases, it then begs the question “How are we going about it?”
For us, I’ll just tell you how we’re currently going about it. I know it’s not perfect and we’ll continue to iterate as they get older. Figuring out personal devices, phones, how to handle when they run upon stuff, etc.
For now, tactically, here is our general approach:
- Make books a joy – we’ve worked pretty hard at making books the default go to. Reading in the mornings and as part of their bedtime routines. We go to the library pretty regularly and let them pick out books.
- Intentional vs Endless TV – We chose 15 years ago to have singularly 1 in the house that isn’t in the main living space. We have a few shows that Rachel or I have filtered through and use those. I also have a curated list of YouTube subscriptions that the kids enjoy (… debatable…) watching with me. No endless scrolling. I don’t trust YouTube or YouTube Kids… too many times have I had junk shows and junk ads come up.
- Manage Each Device with Google Family Link – Within the last couple of months, we enabled one of our old phones with two user accounts (one for 8yr old, one for 6yr old) and use Google Family Link to manage the apps, time, etc. We chose to default to the most limited aspect of things versus everything enabled and backing out from it. Notes, Recorder, A couple basic Apps they enjoy (Adventures in Odyssey, Bible for Kids). Our 6 yr old really enjoys changing the background and setting random alarms that go off…
- Filter Content on Home Network – For our home network, we use Deco devices. It has a mobile app you can use to group devices into various buckets that can filter content based on their age (e.g. their phone is in a Kids bucket that auto-filters the content they could potentially get to). I also like to use Family Friendly DNS options such as AdGuard (94.140.14.15 and 94.140.15.16) or CloudFlare (1.1.1.3 and 1.0.0.3) by doing this at the home network level, it covers your entire house. Blocking a vast majority of the “junk” on the web so that you don’t accidentally expose your kids (or kid’s friends…) to stuff.
My insecurity
In writing this out and sharing it, I find insecurity coming to the front of my mind.
- “Won’t they be behind in modern day technology?”
- “Man… are you amish / ultra conservative?”
- “Other kids are proficient on devices at like 3 years old… and your 6 & 8 year old barely have any exposure”
- “Couldn’t you default to the approach of exposure and then walk alongside the whole time?”
- “Technology is the future, why are you limiting them?”
- “Aren’t you just covering up for some of your own insecurities?”
Some… or maybe all those could be true.
My heart in the matter is to be intentional with my kids, to try and pay attention to what they’re doing and be involved. I’m working on building relationships with each of them and, to me, I’ve been gifted in the Technology space and want to try and best apply what I know to them and how we raise them. The goal being that they can stand on my shoulders in this space versus them trying to survive on their own.
I’ve come to the personal conviction that Technology should be seen as a Tool. Not a pacifier, not an infinite time suck. Specific and intentional uses. Just like there is a specific use for a screwdriver, a wrench, a set of pliers… there are specific use cases for Technology and we’re on the journey currently in our culture trying to figure them out.
To wrap up… A beautiful story
I’m only a couple years into this specific journey but let me relay a beautiful story that, to me, is a glimpse of it working.
My daughter loves Leopards and big cats. The last two Halloweens she dressed up as one. She wrote a song recently about being one or desiring to be one – she’s very into writing music at the moment.
At church one day, the pastor covered Isaiah 11:6-9 ESV where it talks about what Heaven will be like.
6 The wolf shall dwell with the lamb,
and the leopard shall lie down with the young goat,
and the calf and the lion and the fattened calf together;
and a little child shall lead them.
7 The cow and the bear shall graze;
their young shall lie down together;
and the lion shall eat straw like the ox.
8 The nursing child shall play over the hole of the cobra,
and the weaned child shall put his hand on the adder’s den.
9 They shall not hurt or destroy
in all my holy mountain;
for the earth shall be full of the knowledge of the Lord
as the waters cover the sea.
When that came up, I thought to myself “My daughter would love this!“
After church I meant to share that with her but had forgotten. I come home Monday from work with it again on my mind and before dinner I read her the bible verse. Here’s our general conversation:
Her: “I know that one!”
Me (skeptically) “Really?”
Her: “Yeah it’s in a book”
Me “Show me?”
She then finds the book, turns to the page, and starts reading it to me.
😏
A helping hand
Lastly, in writing all this, I’d love the opportunity to both offer a helping hand and to learn from you.
Please feel free to comment below or shoot me an email at hi @ mattloflin.com and I’ll work to get back with you.
Also, if you have any tips/tricks/articles you’ve found valuable – please share them too. I know I have many years ahead on this journey.
Leave a Reply