To preface – this is a specific topic that has lingered with me for years at this point. I genuinely believe we have a ton of people on this planet that are isolated, hurting, and just going through the motions.
I’m married, have kids, a loving extended family and… I’ve struggled with each of the above items.
I really believe that community is important and that it takes time and effort to really plug in with people. IF you stop reading here, just take away that I think that you are missing out on an aspect of life if you’re not involved in some sort of community.
That could be church, pickleball on Tuesdays, some discord group playing online games, or could be your local quilting club. When we, as humans, plug into something outside of the ongoing regular day-in day-out hustle of work/eat/sleep… I think we battle isolation and its effects. Covid didn’t help us any…
OK… from there, the verse that’s running through my mind while writing on this topic is Psalm 133:
1Behold, how good and pleasant it is
when brothers dwell in unity!
2 It is like the precious oil on the head,
running down on the beard,
on the beard of Aaron,
running down on the collar of his robes!
3 It is like the dew of Hermon,
which falls on the mountains of Zion!
For there the Lord has commanded the blessing,
life forevermore.
Really though it’s most likely the song that accompanies this verse that we grew up singing in church:
I have taken quite a few of the personality tests over the years. DISC, HBDI, Myers Briggs, Enneagram and probably a few more. Here recently I took the “5 Love Languages” quiz and learned more about myself there too.
What is fascinating about each of these is that they often do, at least in my case, pinpoint specific personality traits that make me think “Man… they really get me.”
Sarcastically, I then tend to also immediately think “Man… this is so generic.” – it’s like some of them read specifically generic enough that it nearly maps to anyone. “You tend to like a color of the rainbow” or “You eat meals frequently” or “You are most energized when you do what you like with or without people that you may or may not enjoy being around.”
Sarcasm aside – there are aspects of the above quizzes that have stood out to me as pretty spot on and have given me language to describe some of my personality traits. There are also aspects that have changed as I’ve retaken some of them over the years.
One thing that’s been consistently true with me since I was pretty young is that I tend to have a very small close circle of friends. Emphasis on small, maybe 1-3 people I’d stay close with.
The other day at a Men’s breakfast, one of the guys speaking asked a simple question “Which of you have or had that person you could call at any hour and they’d show up without question?” – his emphasis naturally removed parents from that equation.
He was implying a close friend, a confidant, a ride or die buddy or buddies.
Multiple hands went up around the room.
I found myself sitting there thinking “welp… I missed out on an aspect of life” and partially “What’s wrong with me?”
Is community the answer?
During my teenage and young adult years I was blind to the aspect of my personality whereby I default to a very small circle of friends. I’m sure others saw it in me, or at least I assume they did. To me I was none the wiser. It’s really only been over the past 10 years or so that I realized that I missed out on a crucial part of healthy community and friendship.
To be clear, it’s not wrong in and of itself to only have a few close friends. In my dynamic, I think it was motivated by selfishness and insecurity. I was distracted, thought relationship took too much time, was focused on school, and work, and dating.
I don’t think I had a strong example of what healthy community looked like and didn’t know any better.
To me, that question at Men’s breakfast reminded me yet again of this unfolding theory that I’d best summarize as: “community is the solution for isolation“.
I’ve not personally sent out surveys or polled everyone in the world, but I know there have been multiple studies done that draw to a few basic headlines:
- “We’re as connected as we’ve ever been but we’re the most alone generation ever.”
- “Men statistically tend to be the loneliest people”
- “Adult males 65+ are at highest risk of suicide”
- “Teenage <boy or girl> depression, anxiety, and suicide rates have only trended up since social media creation”
It really is quite interesting to me.
Maybe it’s because of my own journey along these roads that when I read those headlines that I’m ultimately self-selecting to dwell on those topics.
Really though… having four children, it’s really hard to avoid them. I do not want it to be true for them. I do not want it to be true for my spouse and I do not want it to be true for myself.
I think back to middle school, high school, college, and even young adulthood starting out my career journey… to youth group at church, community groups, etc. I’d say that I have had a good number of friends. People to hang out with, have dinner with, look forward to catching up with.
But I’d also say, in almost all cases, the friendships were shallow wells. We knew enough about each other to get context but not depth. Knew birthdays, favorite things, kid’s names, career aspirations, what their interests were, but rarely what made them “click”.
Almost like I had a “What makes a good Friend checklist” and for each person I’d just fill in the blanks of most commonly known things. Looking back, seemed transactional.
Was it me? Was it them?
Psalm 133 talks about dwelling together, and then in Acts talks about meeting together and breaking bread.
42 And they devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and the prayers. 43 And awe came upon every soul, and many wonders and signs were being done through the apostles. 44 And all who believed were together and had all things in common. 45 And they were selling their possessions and belongings and distributing the proceeds to all, as any had need. 46 And day by day, attending the temple together and breaking bread in their homes, they received their food with glad and generous hearts, 47 praising God and having favor with all the people. And the Lord added to their number day by day those who were being saved.
I find it interesting too that Hebrews 10:24-25 tells us not to neglect meeting together.
24 And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, 25 not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.
Then one of things Jesus was critiqued for was eating with sinners in Matthew 9:10-13
10 While Jesus was having dinner at Matthew’s house, many tax collectors and sinners came and ate with him and his disciples. 11 When the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, “Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?”
12 On hearing this, Jesus said, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. 13 But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice.’[a] For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”
Mentally I’m sitting here thinking “dwelling together“… “living in unity“… “eating together” and then “not neglecting meeting together“. There is a theme in the Old and New Testament about coming together… and eating.
Real community in Knoxville, TN
In Knoxville, we had the very fortunate opportunity to be part of a church community that really opened our eyes to what hospitality and friendship looked like.
The kind of community where we ate meals regularly together. Where friends wouldn’t ring the doorbell, they knew they could just come in your home at get togethers. Friends that would just show up because they knew you were probably home and just wanted to hang for a few minutes. Random texts to keep up with you or invites for guys nights or friends that’d offer to watch the kids to enable a date night. Ladie’s nights where our spouses would go hang out and all the guys stressed because we had to watch a gaggle (yes gaggle) of kids, so we’d all get together too and order pizza and try our best to ensure the kids survived three hours…
Once you experience genuine, devoted community it makes everything else seem inadequate.
It’s hard to describe really.
It’s like when you finally taste Blue Bell ice cream… you realize that all other ice creams are insufficient and just placeholders for when your area of the country finally starts having Blue Bell in stock.
I know that ^ that ^ is a very targeted and biased analogy.
My point is that when you now have two polarities that you’ve experienced firsthand… it’s much easier to compare and contracts those two items.
- Friends you see in high school, college, church groups that are just going about the motions (myself included)
- Friends you’ve lived life with that continue to reach out and chat once you’re no long in the same city.
Friendship takes time and intentionality.
Let’s be real.
It’s inconvenient in our world to have people over to your messy home. To think about dietary restrictions. To externalize what you’re feeling internally. To be vulnerable. To not just post highlights on your social page. To invest in someone that doesn’t have your specific last name or doesn’t live under your same roof. To deal with “Church Group is 6-8pm” and then it regularly runs past that.
It’s easier to work, heat up a meal, watch TV, go to sleep, start over again.
It’s easier to show up on Sunday for an hour and check the box of “Church” and then go mow the yard.
It’s easier to not be rejected when you reach out to someone you’re trying to be friends with to only be ghosted time and again. Or for each time you try to coordinate something your ‘friends‘ reply “Shoot, I’m busy“.
Priorities
At some point I’m going to write about “Priorities”, for now I’ll do a fly by.
Growing up, my dad would regularly ask me about my priorities. He was implying:
- God
- Family
- School
- Work
- Friends/Community
and when I’d get them out of order, he’d talk with me about it.
I think his list is mostly accurate for most situations, but I also think that each of us is given a specific purpose and a specific group of people to live life alongside. There will be times where a friend needs you and that trumps #2-#4.
I’ve started to see my priorities as a big circle where all the items above (and more) are floating around inside of the circle. That sometimes one item may need my attention more than another. To distinguish that, for me at least, requires prayer and reflection to know which may need more of my attention right now.
- Does one of my sons need more focus right now than one of my daughters…
- Does my wife need more focus than a friend of mine…
- Does my community need something more than a situation at work…
- etc.
If we look at Jesus’ example, he had God, he had his closest 3 disciples, then the 12, then a broader group, then everyone he was ministering to.
He often went off alone to pray. He sometimes would walk with a few. He sometimes would minister to a bunch.
A fulfilled & impactful life
Being an engineer, most things come down to equations for me. Life is a constant evaluation and maturation of whatever equation I’m working on at the time.
If I were to try and articulate the equation for a fulfilled & impactful life… it’d be something like:
“A fulfilled & impactful life” = Time with God + Time with Family + Time with Work + Time with Friends/Community + Time to Learn + ???
Where each variable is complex in and of itself:
- If you weren’t doing something… it’s not simply Zero it’d be like -100 or something.
- Time is necessarily quantity… but quality.
- Each variable has different weights, and those weights change at different times.
Me sitting on the coach watching TV with Rachel isn’t quality time. Me watching online church isn’t quality time with God or my local community necessarily.
To be clear, my point about watching TV or church online isn’t in and of itself a negative thing.
Anyways… if you’ve read this far, I know that I just wrote about community in about 5 different ways and angles. That’s how my mind works.
Ultimately, I encourage you to push yourself to try to embrace community more. Be willing for people to come into a messy home, to try and organize a lunch or dinner, to try and default to “yes” more than “I’m busy“. Not only are you missing out on an aspect of a fulfilled & impactful life you’re also keeping your unique addition to that community away from others too.
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